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Revolving Life

I began to scan back through the writings of this thing and discover new things about myself. Pain and self discovery are constant as I grow up trying to define what will make me content with life. In the end of each adventure, I am left broken and left picking up the pieces with nothing left but a head full of thoughts and a computer full of memories to show for it. People come, people go, and eventually they fade on with some newer evolved version of what they feel they need in their lives at that time. Unfortunately it is not always you that they include in this equation. We train ourselves to be ok with this event in attempts to block the negative connotations surrounding losing contact with people we share experiences with. I am not exempt from this process as I have isolated myself from tons of people to mask the difficulties of separation. I create new bonds to fill those gaps and in most ways, those seem to slowly grow like a sapling being nourished in the harmful sunlight. There are times it all seems redundant and inevitable. My father was recently diagnosed with a cancerous tumor for example. A few years ago we had a falling out and I could not tolerate the man for various reasons due to his temperament. This led to us not talking for a full year until we finally got over it and just agreed to disagree. Since then, we went on trips with family and have been getting along great then suddenly, BOOM! Now he’s recovering from brain surgery and experiencing some of the most difficult things one could go through and struggling to gain control of his body again. It is in these moments that he offers me advice, praise, and the love he never shared with me. I find myself replaying every cheesy sitcom where an ill father tells his son everything he withheld for a lifetime. I hate to think that deathbeds and illness are the only solution for the appreciation of human contact. What is grueling in this whole process are my observations on how people react to having their own mortality dangled in their face. I am not saying that I am not thankful for people’s well wishes. When it comes from those who never cared in the first place it makes you wonder why. Their first reaction to bad news seems to be “I am sorry for your situation. I’ll pray for you. Let me know if I can help.” Again and again with this regurgitated saying, even from people who I never thought to be religious. I can’t help but be annoyed at these people because it feels like some self satisfying way to make yourself feel like you contributed to a situation you really can’t do anything about. My father came out of surgery where the doctor toiled away aimlessly to removed the tumor with much success. These same people who find out my father’s status thank god for guiding the surgeon’s hands. No praise is given to the doctor with science, his education, or his skills. This adds to my irritations at peoples handling of life situations. All in all I realize life is too short and I should technically be having an epiphany or something about the good of people coming together but I’m strangely not. I do love my father and still feel I never let myself hold back my true feelings in good times or bad. I’m not going to sugar coat things even if illness is involved. Too many people wait till the last moment. They feel like horrible people so they try to make up for it by cramming all their real feelings in before something bad happens. They come out of the woodworks and act concerned. I do not doubt the validity of their concerns but it all seems vacant if you never showed these things in the first place. It feels good to place this all in text. Perhaps years down the road I can learn something from myself upon reading it. I may outgrow how I think right now or perhaps it will get worse but it’s interesting to see how I evolved my mentality. I analyze myself just as much as anyone else since it’s only fair.

Echoes of a distant past

The scribbling of a mad man, left isolated away from existence, on a vacant wall, in an abandoned building, that time forgot. These things do not concern someone who ignores the world as it flickers by with a fleeting moment. In this moment, he struggles to find purpose. This is further justified in his own reasoning. Acknowledgment is far from accomplished as self recognition is inevitable. Has purity embraced his being again? Will the tainted soils of life be washed away? He dreams of that clouded radiance, longing for these rancid chunks to fall from his soul. The radiance surrounds him and embraces his being with gentle warmth. The clouds begin to disperse as he slowly realizes it is only a dream as he is snapped back to the harsh realities of existence.

Panic

Memories come back like a jackknife in the heart. The sea of calm eludes it from the shield which was thought strong enough to support the will. The guard was let down slowly for a comfort that was built up. Now it can't shake the sensation that something is horribly amiss. The lonely walls are soaked with no remorse as time laughs in the face of comfort. Time laughs in the face of comfort. Time laughs maniacally as it will move forward till the dust disintegrates our very bones. The thoughts shall be on the very precipice of the void. Complicated things, these thoughts. May they drown in the distractions of life as it consumes this world.
The light inside fades away
I slip into the blackened void
I want to touch, I want to stay
But my hearts been long destroyed

Nostalgic Stuff

Reflective moods are my forte lately. It would seem my ability to communicate normally is lost. I tend to keep a heavy magnitude of things in my head and isolate myself with distractions. When I lay down I get a explosion of thoughts running through my mind making sleep difficult. Perhaps I need an outlet. Reluctance is chewing at my brain as I type but I feel it is needed. It may be vague but details on the net plague me. At the very least I can feel as if something is being accomplished.

WOOT

I am so emo...blah blah blah. KITEH!!

Random

I scribbled some notes down on a pad.

I was once told the most important decision you would ever make in your life is who you would marry.

The soft hairs on a cats face gently brushed against you are a cats way of marking you as their property and telling other cats that they are a single hot female waiting for some action.

I need to make time for my head cause it will consume me.

I fear I will never accomplish anything important.

Its late yet a billion thoughts surround me and I need to chase them away.

A Long Time Ago

I was advised a few times by different people of my LJ account. I can’t believe it’s been a year or so since I have written anything. I think I laid low from the internet and people in general due to the ill tempered nature the internet breeds into people. Social networks have indeed grown beyond all imaginings since when they first came out. What once seems like a peaceful novelty soon grew into an outlet for spying, gossip, and showboating. I found myself posting pictures, writing, and hanging on every comment for acceptance or just to be noticed a tiny bit in my fleeting existence. It had to end. I was checking every site constantly looking for the latest person who noticed me. I think we all passively do that from time to time. It’s the fucking internet for fucks sake. I think it’s safe to say I snapped my habit after about a year of avoiding it. I can go back to healthy writings and not dwell on it as much. I’m sure the cycle will continue but at least I’m not beating my head over it anymore.    

Hello LJ how are you today?

 

It would seem I stopped posting yet again. I guess I just get in these moods where I think who the fuck cares about what I have to write? Then I get to thinking….."I care about what I write damn it!"....but it never lasts long.

 

Once I get the new digi cam I can just post pictures and not write about anything. I love photos anyway.

I bought a cat

So this kitty was like a fricken ninja...sneaking around and springing out at me without hesitation.

I DUB Thee Shinobi......my new little minion. BWAHAHAHA









This little bastard will kill you without hesitation or nuzzle you....kinda working on the whole ninja thingy at the moment.